Brain Freeze

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

The Indian Summer

I was watching The Amazing Race (7) on tv last night, the racers were in Lucknow. What gets my goat everytime is the fact that whenever India is shown on Western channels (From Agra in TAR1 through Bombay, Calcutta, Kerala, Rajasthan, ... hmm they seem to have come here lots of times), they show what we'd call the seedier and rather obscure parts of India, with cows and humans as far as the eye can see.

So, from watching so much of TAR, I've formulated these rules of reality programming- TAR in India style.

Evidently, they don't know that men holding hands in India is considered a sign of FRIENDSHIP, no matter how much most girls laugh at it. Now, if that had been a guy and girl in the ricksahw... THAT would have been cause for comment.

Speaking of which, most reality shows seem to operate on these principles - 1) token gay 2) token black 3) token insert ethnic minority group and most of them seem to have exciting careers as actor/model/bartender, or model/cheerleader/lap dancer. The best one to date has been one this TAR, Team is dating, The guy's a consultant/POW and the female is ex-beauty pageant winner.. Okay, Let's give it up for the media whores here, thank you very much.

You know what, we're lucky you're American too....


Copy-write Shrutz :: 9:14 PM :: 18 Sneaky Remarks:

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Sunday, April 17, 2005

Writer's Block

Writer’s Block is something that needs no explaining. It’s that dread feeling in your fingers as you are poised to write your magnum opus. You rack your brains for some of those extremely brilliant but “blink-and-you-will-miss-it” ideas that seem to dawn upon you the times that you don’t have a pen and a paper handy, as in, maybe your dreams. Unfortunately, the moment you do have a nice fresh piece of paper in front of you, nothing comes to fore. You spend some time watching its pristine whiteness.. And sometimes if you feel particularly grumpy, make some artistic inkblots.
You might be prone to getting it when you are faced with your English examination paper, demanding a 300 word letter to Mr. Editor of some National Daily, purporting to report an imaginary problem like “What can the authorities do about water scarcity?” In real life, it would probably be NOTHING, since it is widely recognised as a fact that that’s all the ’authorities’ do! (In fact who are these elusive characters of fiction on whom mankind places all blame?) But since this is your literary effort, you have to come up with some pretty original statements like “Water is precious, conserve it”. Unfortunately, as the more astute readers may note, that’s about all that crosses your mind in times of stress. You chew the end of your pen, thinking about the life giving liquid and how you could use a drink right now and how you need to complete that letter in 5 minutes flat and all that dances in your head is “Conserve it.... Conserve it.” Now, you couldn’t very well repeat that mantra 150 times, could you? Perversely enough, I am beginning to notice that it strikes even when the exam paper has nothing to do with creativity. You just plain forget one word in the middle of the long answer. From experience, I forgot the word “compressor” while I was explaining the Vapour Compression Refrigeration system.
Then there are those times, when poetic expression dawns on you and you see the wind whispering in the dandelion’s ears, and feel like committing your thoughts to posterity. So out comes your paper and pen, and suddenly all that quaint imagery that was crowding in your mind, vanishes into nothingness, and you chew that selfsame, long suffering pen and struggle to get ‘The’ on paper. The title of that creation could very well be “Stillborn: The Poem That Never Was”
Well, did you just ask me why I started talking about writer’s block? It’s simple, actually. I have a pretty severe case of that malady right now! Writer’s block strikes you when you least expect it to, and generally that is about the same time you really need to churn out some pages at your creative best. This tricky syndrome has found no cure, cause or prevention. But its effects include artistic tantrums by the stricken author, global warming from all the trees cut to make the paper that ultimately finds its way into the waste paper basket and even more ecological disasters. You never considered for a moment that this debilitating disease was a cause for a lot of environmental nightmares, did you? Blame El Nino on Writer’s Block, if you must. I am sure you can’t be all that far wrong. Is that a chorus of ayes I hear from J K Rowling, Jeffery Archer (whose inspiration this time around was very strangely, a prison), Salman Rushdie (who is doing the Page 3 rounds rather than getting fatwas) and all you everyday writers?

Copy-write Shrutz :: 1:55 PM :: 2 Sneaky Remarks:

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Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Yes!!! What Good Omens Character AM I?

You are Crowley
Crowley

What Character from "Good Omens" are you?
brought to you by
Quizilla

Copy-write Shrutz :: 2:11 PM :: 10 Sneaky Remarks:

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Sunday, April 10, 2005

TitleLess

Been feeling rather sleepy for sometime. I started reading "Interesting Times" by Pratchett. I have to say Rincewind is not my favourite. I could be biased, but his character in Last Continent is extremely weak. On the other hand, the more I read about Vimes and Vetinari, the more I like them...
Thing is, I've been feeling rather at odds with myself lately, kind of confused and disconnected. It must be the reactions of all the work I've been doing lately.
Then, there's this small question about blogging, too many things to say, but when it comes down to it, can I really commit to posterity what I really would not like to bring into being by thinking about too much... I don't think so..
I think I will take the offer on being quiet that people offer me ALL the time...

Copy-write Shrutz :: 10:38 PM :: 7 Sneaky Remarks:

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Friday, April 08, 2005

The Ultimate Help Column

Every year, just before the final examinations start, we suddenly find columns in newspapers, talking about “How to Study and Achieve the Highest Marks in Your Examination”. I usually look at them incredulously, because, to me, they made no sense. Exams always take me unawares. I spent many exam nights swotting up late up until the wee hours, trying to pound into my head all that had taken the teachers ONE entire year to teach. Actually half the time I used to spend staring at the bed, forcing myself not to seek refuge between the cool sheets and the lovely fluffy pillow. So, in view of my ‘advanced’ years, I decided to impart my specialized knowledge in this field to lesser mortals. So from experience, here’s ....

How to Succeed in Any Examination in 8 Easy Steps

1) Keep All Your Studying till the Nth Hour: Yup, this is sure to spice up your life and help you concentrate better. Have you noticed how lazy you feel when you have 5 days of study leave in front of you? So do go out and enjoy some ‘taazi Hawa‘!! Play solitaire, sleep a bit, take longer baths, phone someone up and ask how much they have finished studying (Don’t blame me if after you do, you get extremely scared), since they might tell you the TRUTH. (of course, I am kidding) Mostly, though.. The conversation runs on these lines
You: “Hey there pal, how much did you finish in Physics?” (Or whatever you are having in 2 days time)
Friend: “Oh! I am a lazy person; I haven’t even started Magnetism. Then, I have to do Electrostatics, Quantum Physics, Statistical Mechanics, Lasers, and Optics...”
You: “Oh wow...Nor have I! But isn’t that like the entire portion?”
Friend: “Yeah, I just don’t feel like studying. I went to see a film and I was thinking about it for 2 days. Oh got to go, they are showing Friends reruns on Star.”
(Phone gets disconnected abruptly; you are left holding the receiver wondering whether it was something you ate)
Of course, at the end of the conversation, neither of you believes the other, even if you WERE speaking the truth. But then, if YOU were, all I can say is: You have GUTS! Way to go dude... ! And, of course, the chances that BOTH of you are telling the truth is 1 in quite a few billion.
2) God Help You: Speaking of God, I have seen even sworn atheists come into the Examination Hall, with sandalwood paste smeared all over the forehead or a sacred thread on their wrist. It sometimes makes one wonder if God invented examinations in order to get more devotees because every member of a Board Exam Class sends up a million prayers on the “occasion” of their life making (or marring) exams. You, in your quest for success, should go one better, go to all the religious places, read the scriptures for some more reassurance that you won’t fail, order that your parents do nothing during the three hours of your examination but pray, plead that all your relatives pray for you too. So that it’s more err... powerful would be the word I should use, right? Right!
3) Prepare a timetable: Ok, so one exam just finished in the afternoon. Just 8 more to go. Your mind should work like this:
Mind: “Ok, take a nice sleep now. You have 4 days for your next exam. Ample time to revise at least twice. After all there are only (!!)50 lessons to do. You did it for the series in one night flat.” (Deep blissful sleep)
Mind: (next day) “Now let’s see Kucch Kucch Hota Hai on Sony (Its like the 100th time, but what the heck!) After that, 1-3pm you study, 15 minutes break...”
Make ambitious plans and DON’T adhere to your timetable, because, as I pointed out before, you HAVE to obey Rule 1).
4) The Science of Sleeplessness: If you suffer from insomnia and/or a guilty conscience for goofing off for the past three days, here’s the time to make up for it. Quickly get some of your textbooks and place them on your table. Admire them, because most probably their pages might not have seen the light of day! Open the first lesson, take a new page in a notebook and write neatly: Revision. Start reading and note points. I guarantee that you will be asleep within the first 10 minutes. It’s a faster and better method than counting sheep, because you never know when a Googolplex comes into the picture!
5) Keep the Alarm within Arm’s Reach: When setting the alarm, keep it for some unearthly, godforsaken hour like 2:30 am. When it utters it’s extremely darned bleat, stare at it groggily for about two minutes (that is, if you DO get up at ALL!) and set it for 3:30. Continue this rigmarole till it is 9:30 am. Leap out of the bed at this hour and raise hell, demanding to know why your mother didn’t wake you when the alarm first rang and then eat your breakfast morosely, all the while ruing for lost hours, thereby wasting at least one more hour in moaning.
6) Final Trial: It’s the last day, and boy, now you HAVE to study. Otherwise, it would be foolhardy. Start reading in earnest. Have some black coffee to drink and water for your tired eyes. Sit up late burning serious midnight oil. Cram everything in your head till saturation point is reached. It is that point which occurs, when you look up to the roof, there dawns on you “Types of roofs...roofing...tiles...floors...types of floors....types of flooring materials...” and you count them out under your breath, not caring why your family has started thinking that you have now started responding to the stray voices in your head!
One word of caution, though.... never ever leave any portion out!! Experience always teaches you, that anything you leave out is sure to appear for your exam, though they might have NEVER asked any question from it in 25 long years. But since YOU decided not to study it, that was the 20-mark question, and then that would be an opportune time to swoon.
7) Impart Stress: The best way to achieve this is to run around asking everyone last minute questions. Go and stand near someone who has revised at least ten times and try to scare him or her too. (At least someone will be, apart from you!) It is a very easy process, if you know how. Just look very knowledgeable and nod to everything they say, even if it is the first time you have heard of it. Ask weird questions like: “What is transmorgification fixation? How is it different from intradulation traction?“
Go on writing reams in the answer sheet, even if you have no idea what it is all about. Stare continuously at anyone who finished half an hour before you did as if you have no idea how that ‘moron‘ completed everything so early. Finish writing only when the bell rings. And then engage in a tug of war with the invigilator, each of you not ready to concede your positions! Come out smiling, no matter how hard the exam was! Gosh, if that doesn’t scare people, Nothing will!
8) Blame it on the University: The ultimate scapegoat. The readymade answer to all your problems is that if you don’t score above 90 in all your subjects (and I see no reason why that should happen!), “They didn‘t understand my in-depth answers.” After all THEY can’t sue.. Or can they? In which case, I should really go hide!
Right, you have now become an examination guru, in 8 easy steps, congrats! Here’s your diploma! Happy Hunting! Ciao......

(Advice/ Precaution: Doing what this “help” column advises may result in disastrous consequences. Kindly refrain. Please note that “This is the product of a mind extremely warped after undergoing the continuous torture of enough exams to make any sane person‘s head swim.” The author disclaims any responsibility of actions consequent of anyone following any of the sure-fire routes to success, including and up to aching ears from parents’ scolding, aching hands from writing a film song in the answer sheet, insomnia or caffeine addiction, among other things. )

Copy-write Shrutz :: 8:19 PM :: 6 Sneaky Remarks:

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Friday, April 01, 2005

Woman of Goodness

Yay! Gmail's giving me infinity+1 of storage (and counting)..
That took me back to the childish arguments we used to have.
"You're an idiot."
"You are twice an idiot"
"Idiot raised to infinity"
"Raised to infinity plus one"
And so on....
It makes you think if, indeed, mathematical concepts hold any validity in student life, other than to insult your friend's intelligence.
Today's topic of discussion *claps hand for silence*, those lovely pint sized humans called CHILDREN. More specifically, one child!
I enjoy playing with babies of all sizes and descriptions. Heck, most of my friends behave like babies once in a while.
Then, before I was ready for the huge and awesome challenge, I became an aunt!
Alert: Walk down Memory Lane
It was 3 am on 3rd March,2001, when I was unceremoniously hauled off the one seater couch I was adorning in SUT and dragged to see the little bundle of joy in our lives. The nurse trotted out of the OT with a blanket-wrapped, pink and wrinkled little person, who was beating her fists and legs against the white prison she found herself in. Mom kept exclaiming "She's got such a naughty look. She looks like you did at her age." (i.e 1 hour...)
I looked down at my new-born niece.
First thought: "How tiny and pink and wrinkly."
Second thought: "Naughty look? This angel? I mean LOOK at her, eyes closed and all"
Third and evil thought: "Hey kiddo! I'll teach you all I know. I'll be the cool aunt Shruti!"
Meanwhile, I fell asleep on my mom's shoulder while she was waxing eloquent.
/end Walk down Memory Lane
She grew up. We brought her home and this proud aunt learnt a good lesson, namely
"A baby with a good pair of lungs is your best friend during exam week...."
My 11th standard annual exams were going on, and this little bundle of joy (B-O-J) was my standard alarm.
"Okay, I've done Organic, I'll sleep from 11 pm to the next time she wakes up and cries."
Which mean, basically, every 2 hours, come day or night.... I said a fond farewell to sleep and othe recreational activities and concentrated on keeping whatever last vestiges of sanity I had intact.
The pile of diapers and baby-smelling clothes and other accessories grew. But, it wasn't all cleaning up and late night yells. Oh no sirree! For some change, we also had fun. Tickling, peekaboos, bathing time, squirting powder and subliminal advertising... (uhm, don't ask, don't tell!)
When she was 2 years old, she picked up a nice little Mallu swear word which approximately means 'beggar' and she used it on all and sundry. People usually had their mouths open, by the time she went through her routine.
Now, my little BoJ is 4 years old and a complete scamp with a big mouth to boot. She is christened (after 4 months of agonising where we called her "The Kid" or "Baby") Tevya, which is Hebrew for 'Woman of Goodness'. Kind of ironic, seeing whom she has as a mentor in the goodness department!
A recent conversation with mom went like this.
Mom: "Hello, Tia kutta. Can you give it to mamma-dadda?"
The Kid: "Mamma-dadda *incomprehensible speech*"
Mom: (shocked) "She told me they're not keen to talk to me!"
Aunt Shruti goes into paroxyms of laughter. Now THAT's attitude from a toddler!
Madame Tevya is currently busy in her (as she puts it) activities and her ballet classes, and will be restarting school on April 6th in L.K.G...
As she says "A is for Astronaut..."
On that note, I think I better go and brush up on my language skills. If I need to talk to her, that is!

Copy-write Shrutz :: 8:28 PM :: 8 Sneaky Remarks:

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